The good old days...

Having dinner at Palomino's before the show...

Just getting started...

Christy, me, Nat, and Paige

Nothing like a New Kid's concert to make you want to be a little pre-teen again. They were highlight of my early years. The bad hair, and clothes were just the cherry on top. So Nat, Paige, Christy, and I headed to the much anticipated New Kid's concert. I had been excited since July. It was so worth the wait! We had such a good time! We stood all night. I really did feel young again. It was the most I had moved since July! I had been so afraid to move anything that had to do with the baby that my moves had been so minimal. I was actually sore from dancing the next day! It felt good to just relax and let loose. I am so happy that we all got to go together. We each really appreciated their classic dance moves, the pants dropping Donnie, and the shirtless Jordan. Classic...

Just checking...

Well I am very lucky in that I have a brother-in-law that does ultrasounds. Right at my 12 weeks I started to get a little paranoid. I happened to go on a field trip on the school bus that scared me. Of course I have first pregnancy paranoia. Anyhow, I was airborne for like two seconds and slammed into the seat. Common sense should have told me not to sit in the back of the bus. So I was weirded out by that and decided to go ahead and call on my brother-in-law Mark. Last Sunday morning I had like a 20 minute ultrasound! It was great! The baby was already sucking it's thumb! I had just seen it at 10 weeks and it was not even close to doing that. This actually looked like a baby. He said that everything looked good so far! The heartbeat was at around 164, which according to old wive's tales would mean that I was having a girl! Well I know better, so I won't hold my breath. I have always felt like I was having a boy for some reason. I guess only time will tell! I am hoping to find out at 16 weeks. The first weeks are just taking forever...

Almost there...

Not much going on at 12 weeks!

So this first trimester has been intense. The intense part comes from this trimester just being a scary time during the pregnancy. One can't get too excited because it just may not work this time. I basically have feared that this entire time. I have been excited, but not fully. I am always holding back. As I come close to the end of my trimester, I can't help but to feel more settled into my reality. This may just work this time! Aside from my little setback that I had at six weeks, this has been a pretty uneventful pregnancy thus far. I have had the basic symptoms like super fatigue, no appetitite, and of course frequent visits to the bathroom. I fall asleep great, but toss and turn throughout the night. That is kind of annoying. Other than that everything has been great. I am looking forward to the future and can't wait to be in my second trimester. Apparently my appetite will come back with a vengeance! I am looking forward to that. I eat alot of soup right now, and bean burritos. I don't crave those things, but my stomach seems to be okay with them. I am ready to be hungry! I love food. However, my legs are starting to change. I kind of fear what will happen to them in the next few months. They are kind of growing! What is going on? I am not even showing or anything. Well I am not wanting to complain because I have wanted this to happen and I totally welcome it. It is still funny to me though...

Back to normal...

Three weeks between appointments is soooo long! I know that the stretch gets even longer later, but for me, this was that longest I had gone without seeing a doctor. I didn't know if the baby was still there, or if it was growing ok. I was still feeling very very tired, and did not have an appetite. So all seemed like it was going well. The only thing that worried me was that I stopped taking my progesterone shots at 8 weeks. All of my other IVF friends did not stop until 10 or 11 weeks. Apparently, the placenta starts to take over making progesterone. Well, I was concerned that my placenta would be the one that wouldn't do what it was supposed to. Naturally, I called my doctor over at the IVF place, and she said not to worry. I asked her if someone's placenta ever did not make the progesterone when it was supposed to and she said no. I instantly stopped worrying about it. Phew! Well Neal and I got to go to my regular OB for my 10 week visit. There was our little alien moving!! It had arms and legs and a gigantic head! Whoa! The head was moving side to side and the arms were flapping. It was nuts. I wasn't expecting that. We also got to hear the hearbeat. It was great! It was loud and fast. She answered some of our questions, and there were quite a bit! I felt really great about our appointment, and just felt this great relief come over me. We made it past a very critical point in development! We are just taking it one day at a time, and hoping that our baby continues to grow and develop like it is supposed to!

7 week visit

One of the perks of having IVF is getting ultrasounds earlier than people who conceive naturally. We were able to get this ultrasound at our seven week appointment. So this was our day to see the heart beating and find out how many beats it had. Of course, I was nervous as usual. Sure enough, our little seahorse was there and thriving! It's heartrate was at 134. It was so crazy to see how much it had changed in a week. The whole thing is just a huge miracle. How is it possible? The doctor felt that everything was going just fine, and that our due date would be May 1st. It was weird to think that much into the future, but it kind of made it real for me. So more good news. Every week that passes, I feel just a little better. As we were getting ready to leave the office, she went ahead and released me to my regular OB. I was actually really sad about it. This doctor gave us our baby that we had been wanting for what seemed like forever. We had gone through so much together, and it was just sad to say goodbye. I am pretty sure that we will be back in two years or so to try and have one more. So it is not goodbye forever! This visit was a little bitter sweet, but I am glad that all was still going well.

The Big Scare

6 week ultrasound

So pregnancy had been going so far so good. I was just feeling really tired, and a little nauseous. I was having some migraines every so often, but nothing major. I had just turned six weeks. It was a Friday, and I was at school. We had just had a fire drill, when I suddenly felt something. I decided to check it out, and sure enough I was bleeding. What in the world? Panic didn't quite set in right away. Luckily my friend and fellow first grade teacher Hillary was there. She took care of my class for me. Between where I was and the office, I changed directions three times. I didn't know what I was going to say or do. I finally started heading towards the office. By the time I got to the office, I was in complete panic mode. The first person I saw was my Principal. She got on her computer and got my doctor's number for me. She was really great about it. I went ahead and called my doctor's office. My hand's were shaking, and my face was all red and puffy. It was really frightening. I just remember thinking that this just could not be happening. My nurse said at first to just wait and see what happens, but I was not going for that. She told me to go ahead and come in. By this time, two of my other friends at school had come into the office where I was, and actually calmed me down a little bit. It makes such a difference when you work with such supportive people. It truly helped me. So then I went ahead and started driving. I call Neal, and he knew by the sound of my voice that something was wrong. He went ahead and left to meet me at the hospital. I then called Natalie. I didn't want to call any family. I didn't want to worry my mother if it wasn't necessary. Natalie started looking at some stuff on-line for me about bleeding. She helped me relax enough to start thinking rationally. By the time I got to the hospital I was feeling a little more optimistic. So I got my ultrasound, and there was this tiny thing still in there! The doctor even saw the flicker of the heartbeat! The blood ended up being a hemorrhage that would eventually seal itself off. Oh the relief! I was just told to take it easy, and rest. That night my sweet girlfriends from school sent over dinner, and Ty, Nat, and Kate came over. It was a nice ending to a horrible day.

Bye Franklin, Hello Macy

Murphy and Franklin

I mentioned that I lost my poor old dog Franklin in June. He just stopped walking one day and tensed up. We took him in and put him down. It was awful. He had kind of been falling apart, but it was still hard to see him like that. He was a really good dog. In August, we decided that we were ready for another dog. We had been wanting a boxer, so we decided to go with Legacy Boxer Rescue. They were awesome! We had to decided to go with a girl. I have never had a girl dog, so I was so excited to buy a pink collar! We finally got our dog, and her name was Casey. I thought that sounded to unisex, so we changed it to Macy. She is such a good dog. She is a little older(7), but that is okay. Old dogs need love too! Her and Murphy get along great, and we tested her with Kate(Ty and Nat's baby,) and James our nephew, and she did really well. We miss Frank, but Macy has already made us very happy!

A brief reflection

Well in my joy of our great news, I couldn't help but reflect on one of the hardest things that I have gone through. Infertility changes you. I feel like I can handle alot more than I used to. I definitely don't fear shots or blood draws anymore. You know, IVF wasn't as horrific as I thought it was going to be. Now, don't get me wrong, women have all kinds of experiences with this, and mind just happened to be good. I was lucky. I didn't have any of the major problems that can happen during a cycle. It wasn't the ideal situation, but it was one of our only options, and I am happy that we went through with it. I had some IVF friends that really helped me to get through some of the confusing parts of this. I have to mention my friend Genna who I reconnected with after many years. She had a little experience with this. She was basically on call the whole time I was doing my cycles. I will never forget that. This experience has made this pregnancy all the more sweeter! Love it!

Hard to believe!

Well we received the best news ever! The best part was calling our parents, and friends. I had to call with bad news the last time, so this was really refreshing! I called my mother first, and Neal called his Mom. I then called Natalie right afterwards. We both started crying. It was just so surreal. That whole day was surreal. I then called my close friend Paige, who by the way is, 2 weeks pregnant behind me. Fun! Those were the first phone calls. I loved making them! When I called my mother, I told her not to get too excited because it was so early in the process. She was likely to go out and buy something had I not said that. My parents have been patiently waiting for this moment! So I had to go in two days after my pregnancy test to make sure my numbers were doubling. They were! What a relief. I was able to relax a little bit. Meanwhile, I was having crazy dreams! I dreamed of a gigantic slice of peach pie, and then one about Bon Jovi cooking in my kitchen. I was having like three dreams a night! All was going well! I couldn't shake this endless fear of miscarriage though. It kind of became a problem for me. It was constantly in my mind. I was really paranoid. I guess I still kind of am, but I was really bad at the beginning. I am sure that that is fairly normal. Right?

Worth the wait...

The two week wait was pressing on. I once again did not feel any symptoms. I was really starting to think the worst. Meanwhile, I was still on my progesterone injections. This time I had an arsenal of people giving me my shots. Because Neal travels quite a bit, I had to have back-ups for when he wasn't there. My cousin Cynthia, my mother-in-law Betty, and my dear friend Natalie all were called upon to give me shots on my butt. How lovely is that? I will never forget Natalie saying, as she held the shot in position, "should I count down?" I was like no! Just do it. I don't want to know about it! The support of my friends and family throughout this whole ordeal was priceless. Neal and I could not have done it alone. At my lowest, it was their support, as well as Neal's, that got me through it. Finally, the day of my pregnancy test, also called the beta, came. I had a school meeting that day. Up until my pregnancy test, I still didn't think that I had any symptoms. I did take note of a few things though. I was restless at night. I was waking up and tossing and turning every night. I was getting migraines. I never get migraines. The day of my pregnancy test, I did feel a little tightness in my stomach. However, I had just done back to back IVF procedures, so I didn't think anything of it. So I went in for my blood test. Neal was still out of town, but was coming home early so that we could get the results together. The results were ready at noon, but I didn't want to find out the results at school. I had to wait until 4:00! That drive home was horrible. I was starting to feel sick again. I get home, and Neal still wasn't home! He finally got there, and I called the office. My nurse was busy, and I had to leave a voicemail! Ugh. Within five minutes, she called back. She paused which made my stomach turn. She then said the words that we had been waiting to hear for over two years. You are pregnant!

So much better!

So my 2nd IVF started at the end of July. All was the same except that she added and extra shot to my protocol. So I was taking two shots a night. I will admit that the new shot hurt everytime. I had super dull needles. Not fun. Other than that, I was able to walk the entire time. I didn't feel bad like I did the first time. It was great! My ovaries were probably super stretched out or something, and my body just handled it better. I wasn't a rookie anymore! This time during our egg retrieval we had 25 eggs taken out! 12 of those fertilized. Great, great numbers! All was looking great. We still had to wait the five days for the embryos to develop. So there go Neal, me, and his mother-in-law again. I wasn't as nervous as last time. My doctor comes walking in with a picture of our embryos. There were three of them! Yikes. We went ahead and put all of them in. We were actually laughing about it. The transfer went great. Once again, I missed the puff of embryos going into my body. I didn't blink or anything, and I still missed it! So we wait again for the definitely the most stressful two weeks. There seemed to be more at stake with this one. I feared having two failed IVFs. I feel like that would have put us in a different category. Luckily school was getting ready to start so I was a little busy. Time still went slow...

One more try...

So I couldn't believe that out first attempt at having our own baby failed. I knew IVF failed for alot of people, but I just didn't think that it would be us. We kind of had to re-group and get a plan together. I function best when I have a life itinerary. We met with our doctor and discussed the possible reasons for failure. There really weren't any. It just didn't work. That really doesn't help me because I would like to know that there are things we could improve on. The only thing that was going to fix how I felt, was to try it again. Neal and I were thinking October, but when the doctor said that it could happen as early as the end of July, we were in! It would be great timing for me because if it worked, I would have like 4 months off with the baby! I didn't even think twice. We went for it! I am not so sure that my body was ready for it, but mentally it was great! So off we went...

The dreaded 2ww...

When we first started our little adventure, I felt this need to saturate my brain with all things IVF. I entered this world of never ending acronyms. So 2ww means 2 week wait. That was probably the easiest one. I had to look for this little IVF dictionary to figure out what everything meant. So I had been taking progesterone injections in my hip since the egg retrieval. Those were big shots! I iced up before each shot. Neal and my mother-in-law had to give them to me. The thing that was really hard was the emotional aspect of all of this. Compared to the shots, and procedures, this was the hardest to endure. With the shots and procedures, I was going into the doctor's office every other day or two. I always knew what was going on. After the transfer, they kind of just let you go. You basically have to act like you are pregnant because you just may be. I was just constantly wondering if something I was feeling was something going on like implantation or something. I was having all kinds of little pains, and I was very very tired. The problem with IVF is that you are taking this progesterone, and those hormones give you pregnancy symptoms. So I was very confused. The two weeks took forever. It was summer, so I had alot of time to think too much. I just felt so blah. So finally the day of the pregnancy test came. I was really nervous and my stomach started hurting again. I went to doctor to get my blood drawn. They have to draw blood since it would be so early in the pregnancy. So I had to wait about 4 hours before they got the results. Neal and I just went to Whole Foods, and picked up some things. We wanted to stay busy. We then went home and waited. I had Neal answer the phone. I couldn't do it. Instead of the nurse saying positive or negative, she gave Neal a number. Neal thought that it was okay that I hear that so he gave me the phone. Come to find out that that number was very low. I had had a chemical pregnancy when all was said and done. I basically lost it before it even got going. I was like pregnant the day before or something like that. Not a good day, week, or month. It was pretty devastating to go through all that and have nothing to show for it. To top it off, I lost my dog Franklin half way into my cycle. What in the world? Well there was just one thing that would make me feel better...

They are ready!

So after the five days of waiting for the circular weird looking cells to grow, we finally were ready for the transfer. I was a little more nervous this time because I heard that it could be pretty uncomfortable. I thought about asking for valium, but I decided against it. I was awake for this procedure, and this time my mother went. I think she was a little nervous so I was trying to act cool, but I was ready to be sick. My stomach was in knots. Also, if you know me, you know I don't like bad weather. Well it was super storming on the way to the hospital. Not the ideal situation. Well we arrived and they came in with a picture of these embryos that are about to be inserted into your body. Out of 17, 9 fertilized, and from there, 2 made it to the 5 day stage. I guess the stronger ones make it to five days. So we ended up putting two in. Neal got to go with me which was pretty neat. I had to have a full bladder! That was not fun. If you have had an ultrasound with a full bladder you know what I mean. They use this like straw looking thing to basically shoot the embryos to their destination, and you are supposed to see this tiny little puff when that happens(on the ultrasound.) Well Neal saw it, but I must have blinked or something. I missed it. You then lay there for half and hour with your full bladder. Torture. Neal was cracking jokes and laughing with my mother. I did not find anything funny. I was not comfortable at all. After that I got to go home and be on bedrest for a day and half. Other than the full bladder, it was not too bad! The worst part was yet to come...

Halfway done...

So the egg retrieval was a great success! The only thing that hurt was the IV. Other than that, I felt nothing. Neal, Betty( my mother-in-law,) and I showed up at the hospital together. I will never forget watching a show on sextuplets while prepping for the procedure. The doctor said, "Are you sure you want to do this?" It was kind of funny. So I was under for the whole procedure. It was great! Apparently I woke up muliple times and asked the same questions over and over. They ended up removing 17 eggs! I was free to go home after about 2 hours. We actually went to Breadwinners to go eat afterwards. I felt great! Then came the next day. I didn't even know what happened. I actually felt worse than when I had the eggs in me. Luckily my mom was in town, and she helped a ton. I was in alot of pain. I went three days before calling the doctor. She eventually prescribed Vicodin. Yes! Those pills are great. I felt totally different. I could actually walk. We had to wait five days for the embryos to develop. 9 eggs had fertilized, so we were waiting to see which one of those would be strong enough to transfer. More waiting...

Let the madness begin...

As if the end of the school year wasn't crazy enough, I had to go and throw IVF into the whole mix. I started everything during the last two weeks of school. My school was so supportive and my team at school was great about everything. I was really nervous about getting things going, but there is nothing like a woman on a mission. If you are on a mission, you can pretty much get through anything. I remember getting my big box of syringes and meds. It was kind of exciting! The shots were a little tricky at first. I was pretty lucky because I didn't have to take as much as some poor girls. I took one shot a night for about two weeks. The very first shot I had to take took about half an hour. I was just so anxious about it. It had to go in my stomach. Neal was ready to just stab me with it, but I couldn't handle someone else giving me a shot in my stomach. There was just something weird about it. Well soon the shot giving got pretty easy. Then came the one in the upper thigh. Luckily I only had to take two of those. That one took 45 minutes to do. The leg was just scary! During this whole time my stomach blew up, and I could hardly walk. I was basically just full of eggs, and the bigger they got the worse I felt. I was going to my doctor's office about every other day to see if my eggs were almost ready. Finally, they had reached a good size, and it was time to take them out...

Off to a bad start...

So all went well with my fertility doctor. We absolutely loved her, and felt that IVF was going to be a good thing for us. It was actually our only option. I had all these different ideas, but the doctor just knocked them down. So in April we began with some basic tests. One of the tests was called an HSG. It checks to make sure that all is how it's supposed to be inside. I was told by multiple people that it just causes mild cramping. Well, I could handle that. I should have known that it isn't always that way when they didn't let Neal come back with me. I had taken four Advil before the procedure, so I thought that all would be great. Let me just say that it has been the worst experience I have ever had. I was in a strange place with strangers. It wasn't even my doctor, and I didn't have any warning of the pain that I was about to feel. There was a male doctor down there(which I have never had,) and a nurse. I squeezed that poor nurse's hand so hard. It was the worst pain. I like saw black. I was crying so hard. I never do that! I swear I am not a wimp. They were saying nothing to me. I really wish Neal had been there. That might have helped a little bit. I came out of the room with my puffy red face, and poor Neal was like, "what is going on?" I couldn't even talk about it. I was officially traumatized. I would start crying randomly throughout the day. I was really bothered by the whole thing. I looked online and was thinking to myself that I could not be the only one that felt this way. Sure enough, I found all these blogs and message boards about how bad it was. That actually made me feel better. I was starting to question myself. So that is how my whole experience started. I was not looking forward to the rest...

Not all things go as planned...

Well it has been crazy two years. Neal and I have enjoyed our time together, and wanted to try and have a baby that we knew we always wanted, but just didn't know just when would be the right time. Well we finally decided that we were ready. We had planned it just right! Well, not so much. Early into us trying to conceive, we found out that it was going to be a little harder than we thought. After two years of tests, tons of waiting, anxiety, and impatience, we finally realized that we were not going to be able to have a baby "naturally." Meanwhile, I was able to enjoy alot of my friend's babies, who had also started trying at the same time Neal and I had started. I am not going to lie, it was hard. However, one baby in particular, Kate, who is my best friend's Natalie's baby, definitely gave me my baby fix. I saw her on a weekly basis, and I truly believe, helped me to get through some of the feelings I was having. Some people don't want to be around babies when they are having fertility problems, but in my case, I needed it. So I finally went to my OB and she referred us to...the IVF doctor. Well we decided just to proceed with the big kahuna. The mother of all fertility treatments. Just like we had always planned...

A little history...

So I just want to give a little background on Neal and I. We have been together for almost 12 years, and married for 7. We met while going to UTEP. Go Miners! He is originally from Arlington, but went out there to play football. My whole family is out in El Paso, so I just never left. We have alot of great friends in El Paso, as well as all of my family, so we try and go back as much as possible. We got married in February 2001, and moved out to Dallas in June of that same year. It was really hard to leave home, but I think that I just needed a change, and a chance to experience something different. We came to Dallas, and just basically struggled in our early 20's, but I think that is pretty normal! I probably had about four jobs before deciding to be a teacher. It is the best decision that I could have made for myself! It is a great fit for me. I teach bilingual kids and they are just a sponge soaking up everything I give them. It is a great feeling! We have been just kind of hanging out with friends, going out of town, and just enjoyng our childless years. We have had alot of time to ourselves and are now ready to be parents! Well being parents wasn't quite ready for us...